Crushing News!

I have never been much of a writer!  I've always left that up to my sisters and my husband. They are very gifted when it comes to writing, but perhaps it's never to late to try!  Events have occurred in my life recently that have made me decide to try my hand at it, and if no one else but me ever reads this blog, well that's ok.  For me it will be cathartic i think...or I may start it and not write often.  We'll see how it goes.

It's been 6 months since i was told that my cancer has returned.  Six months since I was told that it has spread to my bones. Six months since I was told that the pain that I'd been experiencing for 6 months prior to that (so over a year now) was that damn cancer spreading and growing and invading. And the entire time as I was having exrays and scans, seeing chiropractors, and PT's, not one person believed me when I asked if it could be cancer.  Am I bitter...no.  Angry...no. But there is a lesson here, if you don't believe what someone is telling you...or if you are still in major pain, keep going back to the Drs.  They are busy.  Our health care providers are overloaded and its only going to get worse.  You must stand up for yourself!!!  ok, thats my soapbox speech for today.

You see in 2008 I had stage I breast cancer.  Scarey, but cureable, right?  10-18% chance of reaccurance.  Non-the-less my husband and I chose a fairly aggressive treatment.  After the lumpectomy, I went through 4 grueling rounds of chemo (which my Oncologist at the time, tried to talk me out of...but again, I didn't want this crap back!)  Then endured 8 weeks of radiation...everyday.  When it was all over I took hormones to keep the cancer from returning, waited for my hair to grow back, and felt blessed and lucky to have gotten off so easily.  Life went on and after a few years there were weeks that would go by that I could completely forget that i'd even had cancer!  What a miracle!!!

Then April 2012 came...and our worlds came to a screeching halt!  i had had an MRI on a Monday, on wednesday saw Dr. T, I knew the moment she entered the room that it was bad.  I've known her for years, and that day there were no jokes, just an immediate "Kathy I'm sorry it's not good..." After taking some time to gather my thoughts and talk about what would happen next,  I stumbled to my car.  I vaguely recall calling my sister Barb, and then my husband Don.  Don asked how my appointment went and all I could say was "Bad!"  I told him that I was heading to his office and to wait for me.  Don was waiting in the parking lot and knew immediately.  We left my car there and drove home together...in tears.  It was a dark and scarey ride home, made worse because we knew so little at that point. 

That night I called my son Michael.  He was living in Chicago at that point and is 24 years old.  It broke my heart to tell him over the phone! All I wanted was to wrap my arms around him and to reassure him, and there he was all alone.  That was really the hardest thing of all.  He was amazing!  He had wonderful questions, and was so loving, he's so awesome.  He's back in Minneapolis now and I'm so greatful!!!

By the next week I was back at The Coborn's Cancer Center meeting with my new oncologist and seeing way to many familiar faces.  Tests were scheduled, as were a multitude of appointments, and suddenly once again i was a cancer patient.  Only this time something seemed different.  I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but everybody was different...maybe because I was a "repeat customer".  And then I found out why...several days later I received a call from the breast cancer advacate...I'll just call her the Cancer Angel.  Dr. H my oncologist had asked her to call and answer any questions and go thru some things with me.  My one question was, "What stage is my cancer"?  Expecting 1 or 2, I cannot explain my reaction when she softly said stage 4.  My husband Don assures me that Dr. H. had told us that...but I honestly don't recall it.  So much is fuzzy from those first few weeks. As we all know, NO ONE wants to hear stage 4....the numbers go no higher.  This isn't one of those things where the higher the number the better after all!!!  It took a bit for that to sink in, and I believe that I spent the rest of the day crying!   but crying gets you no where so I decided then and there to do everything that I can to fight.

Two weeks later radiation began.  For those not familiar with this process, once the prep is done ( set up, exams, meeting with your radiation oncologist and team) the process goes pretty quickly.  Mine was set up for 4 weeks...everyday...but one you're there it takes about 10-15 minutes.  The staff in that department are incredibly wonderful!  I remembered many of them from the last time I was there, and they remembered me too!  The TLC that they extend their patients is second to none, I am so thankful.  I had the radiation to decrease the pain that I'm in.  At this stage my cancer will never be gone, I need to learn to live with it (oh, really) but we need to work to keep it from spreading and growing.  So I am also on hormone drugs, rather a crazy concept right?  At this time no chemo.  A person can only have so much chemo, so we want to keep that for further down the road. 

It feels odd not to fight this with all guns drawn.  That's so my style...this way seems so reactive vs proactive.  It's very difficult and frustrating.  It's also very hard to keep explaining it to people when I don't truly understand it myself, yet feel that I have to defend it!  Because if I don't then I feel like I'm giving up...God I hope that makes sense.

well...I sure have rambled.  Hopefully my next entry won't be so lengthy!  Blessings, Kathy