Please don't get me wrong...CANCER SUCKS!!! I will be the first one to tell you that. i do not wear rose colored glasses, nor am I a polly-anna! My life has changed dramatically in the past 6-plus months. Some things have been amazing, others not so much. Because I want to, and because this is my blog and I can, I'm going to go through the 'not so wonderful things' first. Sorry if that bums anyone out...but here goes:
Six months ago I had a career as a wine and spirits sales rep. I traveled throughout central and northern MN. I sold beautiful wines and wonderful spirits and had a basement FULL of samples. I had the worlds BEST customers and co-workers that are friends that I miss dearly. Our company closed in March...which was no fault of the employees and not something I'll get into here. I had just started applying for positions with other companies, and things were looking pretty darn good when I got my diagnosis. At first I thought that I'd still be able to go back to work, after all I'd worked four and a half years ago when I'd had cancer right? However, my Drs assured me that this was different and that between the pain, fatique and treatments going back to work wasn't in the cards. Hmmm...whats a gal to do? 53 years old, don't look ill, some days feel good, some days not, so I contacted an attorney who specalizes in disability. Totally humbling experience to say the least! She was kind, respectful, effecient, wonderful and got it all done perfectly! I now consider myself retired. I miss my career everyday...but am greatful as well.
I miss having the energy that I used to have. i hate that I get tired so damned easily! It's really frustrating...especially because I look healthy, so I feel like I should be like I used to be. Ironic thing is I've had cancer for over a year and for 6 months of that time we didn't know it. So it's been a long time since I've really felt healthy. Some days , since I've finished radiation, my pain level is tolerable. That is so wonderful! It's like a miracle really! Will I ever be pain free...no...but on a scale of 1-10 if it's around a 4-5, that's totally awesome! It's all in how you look at it isn't it? :)
It sucks to look at your friends and loved ones and see sorrow and pity. I don't know how to make them feel better. I don't know how to reassure them, because I don't have the anwsers. People keep telling me that I'm so strong and brave. Baloney (I'm trying to keep it clean!)...I do not see myself that way at all! I would love to not be a cancer patient, I want to live until 100, my biggest wish is to see Michael get married and to meet my grandchild (ren). Sometimes I deeply fear the future...I have had friends with terminal cancer and seen first hand what it does. But, I cannot and WILL NOT dwell on that. Strong, no I don't think I am...but I am a survivalist and I am a care-taker, and perhaps thats a really good combination to be!
Now for some real blessings:
As much as I miss my career, I am enjoying my time at home. I have reconnected with old friends, which has been a huge blessing. I am home every night with my wonderful husband Don. We did some very memorable things over the summer, and we did alot of nothing. Either way we love being together and treasure each and every moment!!!! My beautiful son Michael moved back to Mpls in May as did his lovely girlfriend Jenny. We are now able to see them on a regular basis and I could not be happier! Every time I see them is such a gift! My sister Barb is such a gigantic part of my life. She has come to appointments with me, she and Tom do fun things with Don and me and she is a best friend to me. She was instrumental in getting me to go to Mayo this week. We have always been close...but through all of this we have grown closer than we ever imagined! My sister Kim and I have also taken our relationship to a higher level. We speak almost daily by phone (she lives in Florida). She is participating in her first 1 mile Breast Cancer Walk this month (in my name, God Bless her). She is my sounding board as well, I can cry with her, laugh with her, be morbid or say nothing, and she gets it. Sisters are like no other! Because I am "retired" I was able to spend extra time with my parents this summer. That in itself is a blessing.
I am greatful right now for every minute, every hour, and every day! God Bless, Kathy XO
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