Once again it's Octobers!

Ahhh yes...once again it's October. The one month each year that everyone gets to get out their pink and celebrate Breast Cancer.  For those that are no longer undergoing treatment I say...Bravo!  Please believe me I mean that with all my heart.  I however cannot celebrate nor do I feel like I'm really a part of the party any longer.  You see, I'm not a survivor nor will I ever be one.  Please don't think I'm looking for pity with that statement!  That's reality...Stage IV has no cure...there is NO STAGE V!

People donate their extremely hard earned money thinking that they are helping Cancer patients.  I'm here to say that what we need is a cure.  Women are more than aware that they need early detection!  However, I'm here to share that unfortunately as much as The Komen Foundation would like everyone to believe that early detection will save your life, the sad truth is that 30% of those diagnosed with early stage Breast cancer will go on to have metastatic breast cancer. That's 1/3...1 in 3 or in my humble opinion to damn many!!!

Each year 40,000 women (and men) will die from metastatic breast cancer!  That number has NOT decreased in 20 years!  That's truly sad considering all the money that is donated each year to Komen, the American Cancer Society and so many others. As I said...we know we need mammo's!  Now we need a cure!

I'm going to end this by saying again how happy I am for those who are Cancer free!  I know first hand so many and I love each of you!  I celebrate your victory every month...not just in October.  To my Stage IV sisters...we stand together and wait with hope.  Although we may never see a cure, we desperately hope that the next generation will.  We have all known far to many that this horrid disease has taken!

Local news...Don is back at work.  His Dr told me that I'm now married to a Cancer free husband. Such music to my ears!  He was a wonderful patient, although four weeks of recovery wasn't easy for him!  Thank you all for your prayers!

That's all for now.  We love you and appreciate your continued prayers!

Love...Kathy 💝

So much to catch up on!

For those that have followed my journey through this blog for the past two years I am sorry that I've taken a hiatus of sorts.  For me to write I really have to feel motivated and inspired...to be honest I had so many thoughts but I just couldn't gather them enough to write them all out.  Today I'm going to attempt to share a number of things with you...my friends!

Donnie had his surgery last week (Wednesday August 20) for his prostate cancer.  It was a 4 hour surgery that felt to me like it was 8!  The St Cloud Hospital staff were amazing and took such great care of both of us!  They kept me informed throughout the surgery and were wonderful to Don.  Two days ago we had his first follow-up appointment with his Dr and we were told that his pathology report came back excellent!  Clear margins...he's considered CANCER FREE!  We are beyond happy...we are over the moon!  IM MARRIED TO A CANCER SUVIVOR!  We've done some amazing things in our marriage...but this is a highlite let me tell you.  Thank you to all that sent prayers and positive thoughts.  It meant the world to us! Now he MUST rest, relax and regain his strength...he will then be able to return to work on September 15!

We've had other huge moments this summer.  As many of you may no...our Michael and his beautiful girlfriend Jenny moved to NYC in June.  They absolutely love it!  They are living a life that most people can only dream about...and although we miss them dearly (!) we are so very proud of them and extremely glad that they're following their dreams!

Sadly I haven't gotten to see my parents as much as I've wanted to this summer :-(.  I've had several weeks where I've been quite sick, my immune system is VERY low, and therefore I pick up anything that I come in contact with.  My plan is to go up north the weekend of September 20 and stay the following week.  I pray I can stay healthy!

Ok...now for my health report :-)!
I'm hanging in there folks.  I had both CT and PET scans done last month due to a huge increase in pain on my left side.  The scans didn't pick up any new lesions, but one of the old ones is a bit larger. Could that be causing the increased pain?  We don't know.  It could be progression that's still undetectable by scanning...again not sure.  It could be nerve damage from chemo and radiation...but that's the least likely since it's been almost 7 years since chemo and two years since I last had rads.  So my pain meds were again increased...after all at this point it's all about quality of life!!!  It has helped a lot.  I'm tremendously grateful for my medical team.

I must mention that I had to say good-bye to two very brave, very lovely, follow MBC women this summer.  The first woman I never met in person but she had a profound impact on my life and I will forever miss her.  I met her through an online support group...she was a nurse, an artist, a fighter, a friend...but most of all she was a Mom.  She has two beautiful children she left on earth and she loved them with every ounce of her.  I dedicate this blog to you Anita.

The other young lady I knew for 26 years.  She was diagnosed 1-1/2 years before I was.  She was quiet in her strength...but oh she was strong.  She taught her friends and family how to go on once she was gone.  She spent her entire lifetime working with children...she used to babysit Michael when he was little.  Kym Durant you will forever have a place in my heart...this blog is also for you!

Thank you all for your support, love and prayers!  Hold each other close...love...Kathy xoxo

Easter, South Dakota & other musings

It's hard to believe that we're already into the first week of May.  I'm hoping that that means we are finally finished with snow and we can very soon start buying flowers!  I'm not much of a gardner, but I love hanging baskets & pots of  flowers.  The color just makes me happy!  I'm excited to have lots of flowers at our new home!

Easter was everything we'd hoped for and more!  Having Mike and Jenny here for the weekend was wonderful!  Don and I really love their company and Jenny was such a big help getting things ready for Easter dinner!  Thank you Jen.  We were so happy that the Heins and Patty joined us, and that the day was so gorgeous (70 + degrees) so we were able to be outside all afternoon!

The next weekend Don and I took a long weekend and made our way to Mt. Rushmore, Crazy Horse and all of the other fun touristy things to see in that area.  Not only did we love all of that, but it was simply wonderful to spend three whole days of uninterrupted time together.  No work stress, no housework nothing!  It was Heavenly.  We both desperately needed it and enjoyed every aspect of our getaway!

This past week has been a recuperation week for me.  Although I slept in the SUV a lot, and took several naps at our hotels, I was exhausted upon our return.  I hate that part of my life...but it is what it is!  As of today I'm starting to feel like normal.

The fentanyl patches that I've been prescribed for pain seem to be working well!  I only have to take 1/2 to 1 Percocet each day for breakthrough pain which is amazing to me!  I had been taking 5-6 Percocet per day which can be really hard on a persons liver...so this is much better!  I see my oncologist the first week of June for bloodwork my Zometa infusion, and overall assessment.  I will be requesting updated scans at that time just to be safe...if he doesn't suggest them first!

I can't believe that Don & I are reaching another milestone this week.  On Wednesday May 07, we will be celebrating our 9 year wedding anniversary!  Hard to believe isn't it...the years have gone by so quickly.  We feel so blessed to have met each other in our 40's...he is after all my best friend and my soul mate!  We do not ever take a single day for granted...each day is very precious to us!  That's not to say that everything is always perfect folks :-)...but we work at it...and it's the most worthwhile thing we'. ever worked at it our entire lives!   It adds a different dimension to a marriage when one spouse has a terminal illness however.  It's kind of like the white elephant in the room at all times...you don't want to or have to talk about it all the time, but you both sure as hell know it's there!  I hate that I've brought that elephant into our home...even though I know I didn't purposely do it.  I still hate the pain that it causes my family...especially Don & Mike.  That's why I believe so strongly that each day is a gift...and I celebrate very b-day, anniversary, or holiday with gusto!  Trust me when I say...don't wait until you or someone you love is ill to celebrate life with gusto...ok!

Thank you as always for your prayers, friendship & love!  They are deeply appreciated!  I wish only the best for each of you!

Blessing and sunshine...Kathy xoxo

Oh my goodness...it's April!

I can't believe that tomorrow is Easter.  It makes me happy...such a great time of year.  A refreshing time with Spring here and summer around the corner.  A time to feel reborn in a way...I just really love this time of year.  Perhaps for all of us it goes all the way back to our school days when we knew that summer vacation was right around the corner.  Whatever the reason, I'm very happy to see the snow melt and feel the warmer breezes!

This is also the time of year that I reflect...on April 25 it will be 2 years that I was diagnosed with stage IV Advanced Breast Cancer.  Wow!  Some days it seems like I've had this stupid disease forever...and then of course sometimes not.  I have to say friends...it doesn't get any easier!  However, I have learned a tremendous amount in two years, so if you'll indulge me (as if you have a choice) :-) I'd like to share some of my newly acquired knowledge with you.
* contrary to popular belief, breast cancer deaths are NOT decreasing!  This is a myth!  I urge you to check out www.metavivor.net to see true statistics...you will be amazed.

* likewise, Susan G. Komen does NOT put money towards finding a cure!  They have helped get the word out over the years that women must get mammograms.  That's a very good thing...but I ask you, is there really anyone  out there in the USA (which is predominately the area Komen serves) that isn't aware of mammo's and their importance?

* If you have someone you know who is fighting cancer, and this is for early stage I-III, I understand it's very tempting to share your...mother, brother, sister, uncles, etc story with them.  It's also our first response to say " please don't worry, that's easily treated now...etc etc" or something like that.  I can tell you...prior to cancer, I'm sure I did it too...we do it with the best of intentions!  However, everyone's experience is different.  Someone's uncle may have had a horrid time with radiation...but you might not.  And believe me...when you are the person diagnosed with cancer, whether it's stage 0 or stage III it's terrifying!  The last thing the patient really wants to hear is that it's no big deal, it's easily treatable...because at that moment it's catastrophic to them.  Eventually it will get easier, but they will need to work through that themselves or with their Dr.

* On a very personal note...as a Stage IV patient I hear some very different comments.  In the past two years I've learned that for the most part people just don't know what to say, and have the kindest of hearts and want to say something helpful!  It's difficult...i totally get that!  Therefore not much riles     Me.  The only thing that's difficult for me...and other Stage IV patients have expressed this to me is when people will tell us that ...
1. We could all die at any time...heck we could get hit by a bus!  Ok yes...but have you been told you'll be hit by a bus?  Because I have.
2. The other thing that's difficult is when people insist that we'll be cured.  Sadly, what I have isn't curable.  Now having said that doesn't mean that I've given up!  There are a lot of meds for me to take...and new ones on the horizon.  So keeping me stable is a very good thing, and hopefully I will get many more years at stable :-).

I thank you all for letting me share those thoughts.  I speak with a number of cancer patients on a regular basis, and these are topics that have come up that I wanted to share.

I'm very excited today...Michael and Jenny are coming up later today to spend the weekend with us!  We love having them here!!!  Tomorrow my sister Barb, BIL Tom, their kids Aimee & Jack and my MIL will join us for Easter dinner.  So wonderful to have a houseful of family!

Next week we leave for several days to fulfill another bucket list item...we're heading to The Black Hills/Mt Rushmore.  I'm very excited about it as this is something I've wanted to do for many many years!  Don's made me promise to rest, rest, rest prior to our trip so I'll have as much energy as possible!

I wish each of you a blessed Easter.  Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers...they are deeply appreciated!

Love...Kathy xoxo

So much to share!

I want to start by thanking all of my lovely friends and family for their prayers and support these past several weeks since Don's diagnosis.  We have felt your strength and it has been and still is deeply appreciated!  Here is the latest update...

Last week we met with Don's Urologist.  We both like him very much and he comes highly recommended by both my GP and my oncologist.  Because his cancer has been caught very early his Dr gave us several options.  The one we have chosen is to aggressively watch it until fall...thus enjoying all that our MN summer has to offer...and then schedule full removal of the prostate in the fall.  After running this by my oncologist along with his numbers, he agreed whole heartedly!  I ask that you still keep my Donnie in your prayers...please!  However, short of them telling us that the test results were incorrect, this was good news.

I had my three month oncology appointment this past Monday.  My bloodwork looked stable, but once again, mine always does.  :-) The ongoing issue I face as we all know is pain and over the past month it has greatly increased in my spine.  When I had my PET scan in January, there were no new lesions, so it's frustrating. Is there progression and it's to small to detect?  Is it something other than cancer?  Is it scarring?  Could it be fractures?  The list goes on & on....

Three days ago I had a follow up with my GP (seeing Drs has become a FT job for me) :-(  She manages my pain meds as well as any other meds with the exception of my direct cancer drugs.  She and my oncologist work together on my care, which I really like.  Anyway...for about a year I have been on Percocet for pain and it's no longer effective.  So we are now trying a Fentanyl patch.  This will give me a constant stream of pain medication 24/7.  I change it every 72 hours and then use the Percocet for break-through pain.  Fentanyl is comparable to morphine or OxyContin.  But this way you don't have to remember to take it.  Yesterday it started to kick in and the difference is a Godsend!  We will be making adjustments over the next few weeks, but I am so hopeful.  The major side effect is currently I cannot drive anywhere outside of Cold Spring.  I'm pretty loopy...but hopefully that will even out as my body adjusts!  I am tremendously grateful for the excellent care I receive from my medical team!

I have a follow up appointment in several weeks and will be having scans at that time.  To be honest, I know that I've been so lucky to go for 1-1/2 years without progression.  I'm on borrowed time as far as that goes.  Every time I now go in for scans I hold my breath a bit longer, because very soon I'll hear those dreaded words and know that we'll have to change my treatment plan.  That's the way it goes with advanced stage BC...nothing works forever.  We live from one appointment or one scan to the next.  It can drive a person crazy!  I'm fortunate because I have such a strong and loving support system...of which all of you are a part of!

Fun things...

Many of you know that I come from Irish roots (maiden name Maroney after all!). So St. Patty's Day has always held special meaning.  Today Don and I met my sister Barb and my brother-in-law Tom at The Pearl Lake Lodge for the annual St. Pat's day celebration.  We had a great lunch, they drank traditional green beer, and we watched the parade from the warmth of the Lodge! It was awesome and we ALL loved it!  Don went out this morning and bought green hats, beads, suspenders etc for all of us to add to the festivities.  We saw tons of friends and once again the 4 of us created fantastic memories.

Again, I thank each of you for your friendship, love, support and prayers.  We really do feel it and it means so much!  As always I ask that you keep Michael and Don in your prayers...this is all so difficult on them.

Blessings...Kathy xoxo

When is enough, enough? Or...let me off this stupid roller coaster!

2014...so full of promise, so full of excitement to see a new year unfold.  It started out well...in January as some may recall, I had a wonderful lunch with my son Michael and an old friend of his from St. Cloud (Travis).  We had a great afternoon and I loved their company!

In early February I left this frozen tundra for a week to visit my FL family (Kim, Matt, Meg, Mom & Dad). It was totally relaxing, warm, relaxing, beautiful, relaxing...I think you get the idea!  Upon my return Don surprised me by painting two rooms in our home...they're gorgeous.  We then attended the annual GNTC dinner Theatre with Barb & Tom.  Great play, great food, perfect company!

From there it's decided to go south, and not in a good way.  Somehow, somewhere I contracted pneumonia.  After 3 full days in bed Don dragged me to the Dr and after x-rays and tests...yup that's the deal.  Now that alone I could probably handle.  Although I'm very weary of being sick...and barely remember what it's like to feel healthy, in my heart I know that "This too shall pass."

The bottom kind of fell out yesterday.  You see one week ago I took Don in for a prostate biopsy.  His PSA has been steadily rising and it was time.  Yesterday his surgeon called to say that the results were back and they were positive.  I'm not sure what I said to the Dr, I recall him telling me that it was early stage...caught early...yadda, yadda, yadda.  I hung up the phone and waited for my Donnie to call...wishing so badly that I could be with him when Dr B gave him the new!  Knowing exactly how it feels to hear the words "You have cancer."  And there's something else...no matter how much your brain knows that this is 100% treatable and curable, your heart aches and breaks.  Because after all this is the love of my life...my soulmate!  How dare this happen to him!

I hate cancer!!!  I cannot say it more strongly than that!  This stupid disease has spent way to much time interfering in our lives and I'm angry and resentful.

I ask all of you for your positive thoughts and prayers to be directed towards my Donnie.
 Blessings...Kathy xoxo

Some days are really special!

Lately I've been laying kind of low.  I'm feeling tired and I'm having some killer headaches that seem to make me even more tired!  So it's rather nice to just stay in our comfortable home with my sweet puppy Piper (plus it's been soooo cold out) and read and watch TV and chat on the phone.

But today was very special...my wonderful son and one of his friends (Travis Jackson...we've known him forever!) came up from Mpls to join me for lunch.  It was absolutely a day brightener!  Whenever Michael walks in I just feel happy and all the stress of my day, week etc melts away.  I am so fortunate!  He and Travis will never know what today meant to me, it was the best medicine ever!!

I leave for a week in FL on Friday.  Donnie and Piper will be staying at home for this trip.  I'll spend a couple of days with my sister and the remainder with my parents.  I am looking forward to some

warmer weather.

I've decided that one of the most difficult things about having stage IV cancer...or probably any terminal diagnosis...is the unknown.  It's truly a mental game of sorts that can easily drive a person crazy if you let it.  Every new ache or pain is suspect.  Every Drs appoint, blood draw, scan etc is cause for anxiety.  Every time you explain your diagnosis to someone and they hear breast cancer, they automatically say...oh that's curable  these days...you don't need to worry about that anymore.  I want to cry and say, "guess what, I know 6, yes 6 women that passed away from metastatic breast cancer...in January!"  I live every day in fear of progression, but I put on my happy face and don't talk about it very often any more because it's such a downer.  I want to live and enjoy each day...but it's always there...hovering, invading my thoughts...and I hate it!

Thank you for letting me vent!  As I said, I've been tired, and it makes me more vulnerable I guess!  Thank you all for your good thoughts...they're so appreciated.  As always, I ask for your continued prayers for my Donnie and Michael, as this is very, very hard on both of them!

Love & blessings....Kathy xoxo