Eleven months and counting!

It's hard to believe, but April will be my 1 year anniversary.  1 year since I was diagnosed with stage IV metastatic breast cancer.  One year since my life as well as the lives of everyone that I love was changed forever.  One year since I learned that I will NEVER again live without this damn disease and that it is terminal.  Yes, I can say that now, i have to in order to accept it.   Wow...that's alot to wrap your mind around.

Along with that exciting news,  last March if you'll recall, my company closed.  Now who in God's name wants to hire a 53 year old sales woman with advanced cancer?  I can tell you first hand, not too darn many!  So as we all know it was time to retire....which was really a blessing because of all of my Drs appointments, radiation, pain, fatigue etc. 

Ok, what else has been swirling around in my mind these past weeks as I approach this 1 year mark?  Well first...I'm grateful.  A year ago when I received my diagnosis I was certain I was a goner!  I know that sounds awful, but put yourself in my shoes. No matter how you try to spin it, no matter what anyone says, you hear the words stage IV & terminal in the same sentence, well you connect the dots.  I feel more positive now...but to be brutally honest, everytime I feel new pain (which is often), everytime I go in for scans (every 3 mos), or when someone I know gets sicker...or the few times that I've lost a dear friend, it makes it all too real.  It's not like I ever forget mind you.  It's with me all the time, like a nightmare really...only I never wake up.  I feel terrible for Donnie and Michael.  I'm not the same person that I used to be.  I'm more tired...I don't like to go out.  Sometimes it's hard to be around "non-cancer" people (other than family).  I can't help but feel a tad envious.  I know that sounds awful, and I'm truly sorry...because I have the kindest most loving friends.  But sometimes it's just difficult you know.  And it's not just envy...I really don't know how to explain it.  It makes it hard because most of us with MBC look fine until we are REALLY ill in the end.  We hear over and over, "But you look so healthy", or "You look so good".  Under normal circumstances what a lovely thing to hear!  But inside when you feel like crap it seems really weird.

I also feel so badly for my sisters and my parents too.  What a crappy thing to have a sister/daughter who has cancer.  Some days are really good, some days are not.  It's like constantly living on a rollercoaster...up and down~up and down...and you can never get off!  It stinks for everyone.  I feel like a lousy wife, and a really lousy mom most days!  I feel like I'm even worse at being a friend...I'm no longer really good at reaching out to my friends.  For that I am very sorry, because I really love each of you and am so grateful for all of you!!!

Now as you know there have been some positives over the past 11 months.  Such as:
Michael is back in Minnesota!!!  I am soooo happy that he is closer and that he was home for Thanksgiving and Christmas!  Just knowing that we can see him in an hour makes me smile!  His spectacular girlfriend Jenny is back in MN too!  She is a treasure and we are loving getting to know her.  What a perfect addition to our family she is...we are so fortunate that they found each other.  Don and I are all about making memories, whether at Leech Lake, being with family, wine tastings, Carribean cruise or our next amazing adventure...a trip to Switzerland to visit Mary Lou and Ajay (thank you from the bottom of our hearts!), watching movies together...it's all about memories!
We have also decided to simplify, and we are going to be listing our house in the coming weeks.  Not an easy decision as we love our home and it holds many happy memories for us.  But we don't need this much "house" and as I said it's time to simplify. 

I can only say that in my heart right now I am hanging in there.  Somedays I am very sad, I miss my old life, I miss having energy, and I miss being cancer-free!  But I am also grateful.  Grateful for the love of my amazing family and friends, grateful for my skilled Drs. and grateful for my faith!!!  Am I afraid, well yes of course I am.  I'm not a PollyAnna.  I don't believe some great miracle will happen tomorrow or even next year.  I fear leaving those I love someday...not because I'm so wonderful...but because I want to be here for them.  I also fear becoming a burden on my Don.  He's so brave and so caring and so loving, I just don't want to be a pain.  I fear my Arimidex will stop working (which I know it will at some point) and having to change meds.  Even though Arimidex isn't perfect, I'm kind of used to the side effects now...so you hate the thought of starting anew, with something thats perhaps worse.

Well, it's late and my meds are kicking in.  11 months ...almost a year...wow!  I'll be back soon.
Blessings~Kathy xoxo