Christmas Memories (2013)

What a spectacular holiday season Don and I have shared with family and friends!  Despite the sub-zero temps and poor driving due to snow it was a beautiful Christmas that I'm going to share here so I never forget it!

It started with our Austreng Christmas gathering on 12/14 at The Blue Heron Supper Club.  Twenty-five family members arrived with gifts and children to celebrate together.  Always so much fun!  This year there was an added delight for young & old when Santa showed up (compliments of Mike & Jeanie).  Everyone found their inner child and many pictures were taken with the jolly old elf.  We all had a wonderful meal, and all to quickly the day was over...time to say our good-byes.

Except...

We were lucky enough to have my nephew Jack Austreng and sister in law Missy from Hudson, WI spend the night with us.  Don's brother Duane wasn't able to make the party, so we were very happy to have His wife & son as guests.  Such easy, gracious guests...we hope they return very soon!

In between the 14th and the 24th there was of course shopping, wrapping, baking, cleaning, Christmas concerts, Drs appointments, scans and infusion.  We were blessed again with a PET scan that showed no new progression, which shows that my cancer meds are still effective.  I rested a lot...and we enjoyed every day of the season!

Christmas Eve was spent at church.  We had a lovely candle light service and tons of traditional Christmas songs.  Don & I came home and watched holiday movies and ate appetizers and slowly opened our gifts to each other.  It was a beautiful & meaningful night together!

Christmas morning we exchanged Santa stockings and awaited the arrival of Michael & Jenny.  Due to bad roads they got here about noon.  After a few snacks, MORE gifts were opened (amidst lots of laughter and joy)...and then off to the Heins (my sister Barb's hse) we went.  It was a perfect day!  I don't really know how to explain it, but it was just so good to be all together...laughing, seeing my son with Jenny and Barb's two children, being with Don, and Barb and Tom...well it was just very special to say the least!  Dinner was delicious...there were even more gifts to open...I think we are a tad crazed in this family!  At the end of the day it was very hard to leave...thank you everyone for such a special memory!  I love you very much!

I bet you think that's it don't you?  Well not quite!

On 12/26 my sister Kim (yes my Florida sister!) and her two children..Matt (19) & Megan (13) came to MN for a 6 day visit.  As I write this it is their final day here...it has been such a pleasure to get reacquainted with the kids.  They spent time with all three of their MN cousins and got to meet Jenny.    They've done typical MN stuff...sledding, tubing, building snowmen, eating snow, they've experienced sub zero temps, but most importantly they have had quality family time with this half of their family.  The half of their family that loves them dearly...but rarely gets to see them!

Our final Christmas was celebrated on 12/28 with Don's son Jeff, his wife Cheri and their 3 darling children!  It was a fantastic afternoon of laughter , conversation, food, oh yes...gifts...and fun.  We love spending time with them and are so grateful when they visit!!!

Which brings us to tomorrow...New Years Eve.  I am grateful to be entering 2014 feeling as well as I do.  I am eternally grateful for my family and friends and for my medical team.  As always I ask for your continued prayers for my husband Don and my son Michael...this is so hard on them.

Happy New year & God Bless...Kathy xoxo

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

December has always been one of my favorite months.  After all it's the month my son Michael was born...again happy bday honey...it's the month of Christmas, my mom's birthday is in December, when Michael was young I always took the week between Christmas and New Years off...I love all the music, decorations, the parties and on & on!  This year there's an added bonus since our FL family (Kim, Matt & Megan) are flying here on 12/26!!!

Today we're having our first snowstorm.  In my past life...when I was still selling...I would've most likely been stuck in McGregor.  I know I should be grateful, but I still miss those days...for so many reasons.  :-(. Instead today I turned on the Christmas music and decided to start my Christmas cookie baking. :-)

I planned to do 3 types today, 2 tomorrow and wrap it up on Friday.  I send some off to Mike and Jenny, as well as one other person so I wanted to get them done this week!  Here's where my body fails me!  After 1-1/2 hours of baking one kind I was exhausted.  I had to quickly clean up and hang up my apron.  Now I know I should feel blessed that I'm in good enough shape to do anything...but it was just the reality that after an hour and a half I was utterly exhausted.  Some days it just slaps me in the face.

I hate to complain...and I'm really not...I'm just kind of telling the way it is I guess.

This month will be busy.  I have an oncology appointment on 12/18.  Tests, appointment and Zometa infusion.  A long day, but important!  I promise to write an update after I receive results.

We have several get togetherness & concerts we're looking forward to and we are very excited to spend Christmas Day with my sister Barb's family.

I will be in touch soon...until then enjoy each moment of this wonderful season!

Blessings...Kathy xoxo

How are you doing...

So many kind and loving people ask me this question.  I get this question daily, and it's not an easy one to answer...so I thought I'd try to put my thoughts in writing.

I'm doing differently on any given day.  That's not a bad thing, it is just my new normal.  My life has settled into a very quiet routine that I cherish.  I need a lot of rest, and I do get that throughout the day.  I have ongoing pain issues...but that is controlled by my pain meds...which btw I'm getting MUCH better at taking!  They are prescribed for a reason. :-)

The thing that surprises people is that I look "normal" (whatever normal is, haha).  I always say I look like hell on the inside, but great on the outside!

I will tell you this, if this was the worst that this disease would ever get...I could handle it.  Unfortunately I know that it will not stay at this level.  I have days that I worry about that...but you know you can't dwell on it!  You could drive yourself crazy!  Everyday is here to be enjoyed.  I am so blessed to have an incredible family...loving friends...how can I be sad?

As you are probably aware by now, I am fortunate to be on the Board of Directors of a new non-profit 'My Bucket List'.  My friend Rudy Ruether was the brainchild behind this endeavor, and I am thrilled to be a part of it all!  Please check out our Facebook page or our website www.mybucketlistmn.org for additional information.  We are currently working on granting wishes for our 7th person...it is so gratifying and humbling at the same time.  This is exactly what I needed in my life right now...thank you Rudy & Holly...I love you both dearly!

My favorite holiday is almost upon us...I adore Thanksgiving!  I day set aside simply to be thankful and to spend time with those we love...it doesn't get any better.  We will have a small gathering at our new home, several of Don's family.  Michael & Jenny will be here on Friday for traditional Thanksgiving pizza :-).  Again, so much to be thankful for!

Thank you to each of you for following my story, for your prayers and your support.  It's deeply appreciated.  Happy Thanksgiving!

Blessings...Kathy xoxo

October 13, 2013. Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day

Amidst all of the pink parties this month is hidden one quiet, lonely day.  It's not a day of races, it's not a day of celebrations, there's no decorated bras, no cute slogans...just an ever growing group of women (and some men) who sit on the sidelines and try to get the word out.  That day is today...and it is set aside for those of us fighting for our lives!  It's for those of us that even though we had our yearly mammograms, did everything we were told to do...we have been diagnosed with Stage IV Breast Cancer.  We are the ones Susan G. Komen doesn't like to talk about, because we are not upbeat and happy.  But we are here...we are fighting...and we need to be recognized!

No one dies from early stage breast cancer!  However, when it metastasizes Ex. Moves to other parts of your body, such as bones, liver, brain, stomach etc. that is terminal.  Average life after MBC diagnosis is 3 years...I know women that have lived 10 years.  However, during that time treatment NEVER stops!  Whether you're on anti-hormonals or chemo and bone strengthners, or radiation it will never end.  You also continuously live with the fear of progression!  Each ache or pain is cause for anxiety.  You may go for months or even several years as stable...and then without warning or explanation all he'll will break loose and you will have progression.  No rhyme or reason...just the nature of the beast.

Here are a few facts I would like to leave with you today...

1.  There are an estimated 155,000 men & women with MBC in the U.S.  currently!
2.  This year over 39,000 women & 400 plus men will DIE from MBC!
3.  Up to 30 percent of early stage breast cancer patients will have recurrences, as early as a few months, up to 15 years!
4.  THERE IS CURRENTLY NO CURE!

What can you do???  Please donate to organizations that actually put their money towards research!
- The American Cancer Society
-Metavivor

I love you all and thank each of you for your continued prayers & support for my family & me!

Kathy xoxo

National MBC Day

Hello dear friends...

As I write this the sea of pink has begun, because as we all know it is after all October,  the month that Susan G. Kohen has made famous.  Again, I must stress...I love the color pink!  I also love that SGK has gotten people discussing breast cancer and getting mammo's.  What I do NOT like is that a tiny amount of the money that is donated to them is given to research!  We need research so that this beast can be tamed and killed!

October 13 has been set aside as the one day this month to remember those of us with metastatic breast cancer.  I ask that on that day you say a short prayer for all women (and men) who are fighting for their lives.  Thank you!

We are in our new home.  I have been busy unpacking boxes (slow & steady), hanging pictures etc.  while Donnie has been busy painting and doing yard work.  It's beginning to look like ours!  A huge thank you to everyone that helped us on moving day...Mike A., Patty A.  And of course Barb, Tom and Aimee.  We couldn't have done it without you!

I had my 3 month oncology appointment yesterday.  "Stable" has become my favorite term!  Stable means no progression or growth, the cancer is there...but hasn't changed.  We like that!  The Anti-hormonals that I'm on (Femera) continues to cause extreme fatigue and achy joints and bones, but I constantly remind myself, and Don, that it beats the alternative!  :-). Percocet keeps the pain at a minimum,  and helps me sleep.  My next appointment in December I will get my Zometa infusion for my bones.  Funny how so much of my life revolves around the cancer center and my oncologist.  Not funny haha...just funny odd.

So that's where we're at.  We are looking forward to the holidays in our new home.  Due to fatigue they will be quiet...just a few special family members, but then isn't that what really makes the holidays?!  Don & I are deeply grateful for our family and friends and all of your love and support!

Love and blessings...Kathy xoxo

Another Summer Passed...

It's hard to believe that another summer is history.  I love fall...but I'm also always sad to say good-bye to summer.  Our trips to the lake are now numbered, my parents will be heading back to Florida soon, our hummingbirds will fly south ( we had 16 at out feeder this year! ) and of course soon we'll have s..w and cold!

But summer was so good.  We did many great things, we spent time ( never enough of course :-) with Mike & Jenny.  We got to see Jeff, Cheri and the kids, my sister Kim & Megan visited from FL, we spent a lot of time with Barb and Tom...God bless you both!

We are closing on our new home on September 13.  We are very excited!  It's been a tremendous amount of work...of which Don has done the brunt of it.  We were so fortunate to have Barb and my darling friend Jenny Guck come out and help us pack.  What a Godsend!  We started moving in this week...rather nice to be able to spread it out!  We are in the same town...and for those that are close friends here's the new address ...
829 2nd St No.

Health wise I'm ok.  I have constant pain...so I am now taking 40 mg Percocet per day.  This causes a bit of forgetfulness and slight confusion which is terribly frustrating and upsetting for me!  I've never claimed to be the smartest cookie ;-) but I've prided myself on being organized and bright!  This is a difficult side effect.  My balance is also not what it used to be.  This past weekend while at the lake, I tripped, fell and sprained my ankle.  Don ( and our sweet neighbor Barb Sheldon ) took me to the Bemidji hospital for X-rays.  It's still swollen, hurts like the dickens, and is really purple...just another day in the life of Kathy!

You may have noticed a new project that I am involved in...My Bucket List.  This is a non-profit organization started by my dear friends Rudy & Holly Ruether.  I am honored to be on the board of directors!  We will be granting 'simple bucket list wishes to adults with terminal illnesses'.  Please check us out on Facebook.  Our web site will be up very soon.  This is something that we are ALL very passionate about so I ask that you please take a moment to read about it!

As always I ask for your prayers for my family...especially for my Michael and my Donnie.  Thank you all for your love and support!

Blessings...Kathy xoxo

How quickly time passes!

Hello all!

I cannot believe that it is already August 18.  Where DOES the time go?  When I go shopping (which you'll find hard to believe is very rare these days) I can't believe that all of the back to school sales are in full swing.  My friends who are teachers are getting reading for workshops and meeting new students and the parents in my neighborhood are more than ready to see the kids head back to the classroom!

Don and I, well...fall will bring visiting MN wineries with Barb & Tom, seeing the Moody Blues in concert, going to Mt Rushmore...if I'm up for it, seeing our kids...and next week moving!  Yes we sold our house and purchased another home in Cold Spring.  Our original plan was to get a patio home,  but we ended up with a four level.  It's got a smaller yard, but still enough for Don to tinker, an established quiet neighborhood and a huge kitchen.  We got a very good deal and we are beyond pleased.  Soooo, barring any complications we move in on August 27.

I had the great fortune of reuniting with 3 dear  friends from H.S. last week.  Such a good time!  They were ladies that I had know since I was a little girl and what a treat it was to spend time together!  Pam, Kim and Patti thank you!  You're so special and absolutely wonderful!

Health wise life goes on.  My fractured ribs are a constant issue, but as long as we can control the pain and they keep me from progressing and getting more tumors, I'm a happy lady.  So far my meds are doing their job!

Well, it's back to packing,  enjoy the rest of summer.  Sadly we all know what comes next!

Love,  Kathy xoxo

A sad day...

Today was a very difficult day for me.  I attended the funeral of a longtime family friend.  He was 84 years old when he passed, and had lived a wonderful and full life.

This kind man and his wife were very good friends of my parents.  I knew him for as long as I could remember.  His children were only a few years older than me...although sadly both of them passed away several years ago.   This lovely man was also my band director in Junior High School.  He and his wife were members of First Presbyterian Church, and he directed the Chancel choir that Mom was a member of for many years...and I sang with for several years.  His wife is a PEO, just like my Mom, my sisters and me.

Now at 54 I've attended my share of funerals!  Family, co-workers, children, friends, acquaintances, to name just a few.  But today this one hit me very hard!  Perhaps it's because I saw a number of people from my past who meant a great deal to me.  Perhaps it was because this person was such a huge reminder of my youth...a simpler time in life.  Perhaps it was the fact that I found out that his wife could not be there today due to Alzheimer's or perhaps it was because I face my mortality on a daily basis and that really hit me today.  Whatever it was its been a tremendously sad and difficult day for me.  One of those that I'm very grateful for my strong support network!

Thank you Mr. Bense for being a positive influence in my life.  You will never be forgotten...God Bless you!

Kathy xoxo

A Tribute to my Husband Don!

On a daily basis I am thankful for my amazing husband Donnie.  As most of you know we celebrated our 8th anniversary on May 7. Hard to believe but during most of our marriage cancer has been a part of our lives.  Yet my Donnie never wavers.  He stands by me and cheers me on the same way he did when we first met and I was healthy.  Talk about taking those "in sickness and in health" vows to heart!

I can't really imagine what it must be like for Don.  Don't get me wrong, I know it's not easy for any of my family members...my son lives with the fact that his mom has incurable cancer, which is something NO 25 year old should have to deal with!  My parents have to see their daughter feel like crap, use a cane, cry from pain etc etc...and my beloved sisters see/hear all this and more.  But Don...he gets the pleasure (insert sarcasm here!) of seeing all of that plus oh so much more!!!

Don also gets to see the melt downs, the extreme fatigue, attend Drs appointments, pay for all of the appointments (and tests, scans meds etc).  He sees the side effects from the meds, my fears...and he worries...and worries...and worries!

And with all of this he never complains.  He loves me, spoils me, is helping me work on my bucket list...he's making my dreams come true.  He loves my son, my parents and my sisters and everyday he assures me that he loves me.

I know that I am very blessed and very fortunate.  Not everyone would be able to take this on like Don has.  It's a roller coaster ride that never ends, and believe me it's not an enjoyable ride!  People are so kind to ask about and pray for me...but please remember my Donnie...my caregiver...my rock.

Thank you for taking the time to read this...it was really important for me to say these things.  I am eternally grateful for all of the support that I'm receiving.

Blessings, Kathy xoxo

Summer Update & More...

These days everyone talks about "cancer survivors".  It's kind of the knew buzz words thanks to SGK (Susan G Komen).  I'm going to preface this by saying that SGK has done a lot of really good things! They have made people aware of breast cancer and gotten people talking.  What they have NOT done is help to find a cure.  When you donate to SGK, only 30 percent of the money the raise goes to research...a mere 30 percent.  The remainder goes for marketing & advertising, salaries and a small amount goes to assist women with stages 1-3 breast cancer (as it should!). Now if that's where you choose to send your donations, that's wonderful.  But please do not let them fool you...they are NOT a research organization !

The American Cancer Society is a good place to turn if you want to donate to a charity that supports research!  Additionally there is a grassroots organization called Metavivor (please check out their web site...just google Metavivor ).  You will learn about Metastatic Breast Cancer and what they are doing to help!

Ok...so at this point I feel like an infomercial so I'll lighten things up a bit!

Don and I have been very busy this spring...

In April we spent 10 fabulous days with my sister-in-law Mary Lou and her husband Ajay in Switzerland.  They spent every moment making sure that we enjoyed ourselves and that great memories were created!  They succeeded beyond our imagination!  The beauty of Switerland renewed our souls...and being with Mary Lou and Ajay renewed our hearts!  We also spent two gorgeous days in Italy, such joy.  We shared laughter, conversation, tears, it was a very special time for ALL of us.  Thank you to both of them!

When we returned we promptly put our house up for sale.  We all know that that's a ton of work!  Don has the lawn looking like a golf course...and I try to keep the interior spic & span.  It's a slow process, but we're optimistic.  While I still feel pretty good...we decided it was a good time to downsize.  Wish us luck!

My parents are back for the summer ....yippee ...so it's lake season once again!  I am heading north for a few days of R & R with them this week.  Don will keep things going back in Cold Spring.  We are doing weekend road trips this summer vs long vacations which we're looking forward to.

I had my latest scans several weeks ago...always a nervous time for us.  I continue to have pain on my left side in the rib area.  It appears that this is from scar tissue that has formed from radiation around the cancer lesions...not from progression. So, if your going to have pain this is good pain!  :)
I still tire very easily...but that doesn't stop me...live is for living after all.  I go in for my Zometa infusion (bone strengthener) July 02...not my favorite thing, but if it keeps my bones from breaking its very worth it!

I love each of you and appreciate your support and prayers!  Please include Don & Michael too if you would, I know this isn't easy for them either!

Hugs & blessings...Kathy xoxo

From the other side (A guest blog)

Hello. This is Kathy’s husband, Don. I hope none of you are offended by reading comments from a “guest blogger” but the spirit has moved me and my wonderful wife has given me permission. So here goes…

Today Kathy, our dog, Piper and I were returning from another wonderful Memorial Day weekend at the Maroney’s Leech Lake residence. I was listening to the radio while both of my passengers were taking a much-needed nap. The station of choice was playing “Oldies” (I put that word in parenthesis because the songs were actually hits during our youth and I don’t consider us “old”). Terry Jacks came on the radio and sang “Seasons in the Sun”. You know, the one where he sings, …”We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun. But the wine and the song like the seasons have all gone…” I looked over at my sleeping wife and tears filled my eyes as I thought of those words. Kathy so loves the season of spring when the trees and grass turn green, the flowers start to grow, the hummingbirds return to our feeder – but most of all her mom and dad return to Minnesota after spending the long, long 7 months of “winter” in Florida. It means so much for us to be able to spend weekends with her family at the lake. It’s a place where Kathy can hug her mom and dad in person instead of on the phone. And it’s a place from where nothing but good memories have originated.

As I was listening to Terry Jacks I tried not to let myself acknowledge the lyrics “Good-bye Papa it’s hard to die. When all the birds are singing in the sky…”

I guess my internal defense mechanism is to not acknowledge Kathy’s cancer and to embrace each day as it comes. I don’t want it to be a reason to say the word “die” or “death”.

On the outside I might seem strong – but on the inside I’m scared - scared of Kathy’s battle, scared by her pain, scared of the knowledge that there’s nothing I can do to help her, but most of all scared of her leaving us.

I find it difficult to talk about Kathy’s cancer. It seems to be one of those topics that make “normal” conversation difficult. I don’t like it when people come up to me and ask about Kathy’s cancer. After-all, how does one answer the question, “How is Kathy doing?” Am I supposed to answer, “Oh she’s doing just great”? Or, “Kathy’s doing wonderfully, how about yourself”? Or do I answer truthfully and say, “Kathy is suffering from the effects of terminal cancer and life is a daily struggle. She takes pain medication that is meant to alleviate the discomfort but the medicine makes her mind foggy and she seems to be more forgetful than in the past. Kathy has bad days and not-so-bad days, today is a typical day that falls somewhere in between.”

I know people mean well when they ask that question. But I wonder if they realize that there really isn’t an answer.

I have a friend whose wife has Stage 3 Breast Cancer. His wife has become a “Cancer Buddy” of Kathy’s. When my friend and I see each other we naturally ask each other how our wives are doing… But more importantly we ask each other how we are doing. I will never play the victim – because I’m not one, and neither is my friend, but we both agree that neither of us want our wives’ cancer to define who we are… And yet, in a way it does. As “Cancer Husbands” we each understand that we too have to deal with the reality of the disease. We understand that the disease plays a huge role in our lives as well as our wives’ lives. There is a brotherhood-like understanding that we need the support and encouragement of each other’s friendship now for more reasons than we had in the past. It’s a sad reality. But cancer in itself is a sad reality.

I don’t mean to be a “Donnie-downer.” It probably means so much more for all of you to read Kathy’s blog and appreciate her courage and inspiration-evoking words than to hear these depressing thoughts from her other half. But I just had to take this opportunity to inject into this conversation some of my observations, as sad and disappointing as they may seem.

On a lighter note I want all of you to know that I am here for Kathy. I’ll do whatever she needs me to do to help her in her battle. I’ll be her loving husband and provide for her in any way I possibly can. That’s the easy part – and I take pleasure in it because Kathy is deserving of everything I can give to her.

We don’t take anything for granted. All of the big joys as well as the little ones mean so much more to us. We treasure every day. And we treasure each and every one of you.

God bless you all. And when you say, “We are praying for you” please be serious and do so. I think God hears our prayers and with His help we will all get through this.

We will keep on celebrating life - because to us – “The wine, the song, and the seasons keep going on.”

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Sorry it's been so long!

I have so many thoughts runny through my head today, so I'll pick the one that's bothering me the most at the moment and share the rest over the course of the next week.

Angelina Jolie.  She seems to be the topic on everyone's mind these days.  Such a hero, so amazing she is for having the BRCA1 gene test done & then having a preventative double mastectomy.  As if she is the first ever to achieve this.  I'm sorry if I sound snarky.  I know that it was a difficult decision for Angie, & I really do applaud her courage.  But I feel the need to tell you about another courageous woman that's a little less well known.

32 years ago another woman had a preventative double mastectomy.  There was no fanfare, in fact her friends tried to discourage her!  After all she had only had non-cancerous lumps, why do something so radical?  But with total support and encouragement from her loving husband and a visionary for a Dr. She moved forward.  The was no genetic testing either...just a gut feeling and courage.  That woman was my Mother, today she is 81 years old and I think SHE is heroic ( as is my Dad) .  What a really brave thing for her to do back then, when women didn't make those decisions.

The second part of Ms. Jolie's story that makes my uneasy is the BRCA1 test.  When I wast diagnosed stage IV both of my sisters questioned their drs about this test.  They were told that it isn't covered by insurance and they could pay for it on their own.  Sadly the cost is unrealistic ! However with Angie's fame & fortune that isn't going to be an issue.  Now I beg of you...lets not get into a political debate here, that's not my intent.  Although I do not believe in socialized medicine due to the fact that I have several Canadian friends & I have learned a great deal from them.  As a late stage cancer patient it is a bad deal.  I know our system isn't perfect but I'm not writing to discuss that right now :).

Speaking of Mom & Dad, they have returned to MN for the summer.  Their northern family is thrilled to have them here!  I was supposed to join them at the annual Walker Rotary Wine event last night, but sadly wasn't feeling up to it.  The reality of cancer, you can't lays follow through with your plans like you want!

As I said, I have a backlog of thoughts so expect to hear more in the coming weeks.

Blessings & love, Kathy xoxo

My New Life with Cancer: Eleven months and counting!

My New Life with Cancer: Eleven months and counting!: It's hard to believe, but April will be my 1 year anniversary.  1 year since I was diagnosed with stage IV metastatic breast cancer.  ...

Eleven months and counting!

It's hard to believe, but April will be my 1 year anniversary.  1 year since I was diagnosed with stage IV metastatic breast cancer.  One year since my life as well as the lives of everyone that I love was changed forever.  One year since I learned that I will NEVER again live without this damn disease and that it is terminal.  Yes, I can say that now, i have to in order to accept it.   Wow...that's alot to wrap your mind around.

Along with that exciting news,  last March if you'll recall, my company closed.  Now who in God's name wants to hire a 53 year old sales woman with advanced cancer?  I can tell you first hand, not too darn many!  So as we all know it was time to retire....which was really a blessing because of all of my Drs appointments, radiation, pain, fatigue etc. 

Ok, what else has been swirling around in my mind these past weeks as I approach this 1 year mark?  Well first...I'm grateful.  A year ago when I received my diagnosis I was certain I was a goner!  I know that sounds awful, but put yourself in my shoes. No matter how you try to spin it, no matter what anyone says, you hear the words stage IV & terminal in the same sentence, well you connect the dots.  I feel more positive now...but to be brutally honest, everytime I feel new pain (which is often), everytime I go in for scans (every 3 mos), or when someone I know gets sicker...or the few times that I've lost a dear friend, it makes it all too real.  It's not like I ever forget mind you.  It's with me all the time, like a nightmare really...only I never wake up.  I feel terrible for Donnie and Michael.  I'm not the same person that I used to be.  I'm more tired...I don't like to go out.  Sometimes it's hard to be around "non-cancer" people (other than family).  I can't help but feel a tad envious.  I know that sounds awful, and I'm truly sorry...because I have the kindest most loving friends.  But sometimes it's just difficult you know.  And it's not just envy...I really don't know how to explain it.  It makes it hard because most of us with MBC look fine until we are REALLY ill in the end.  We hear over and over, "But you look so healthy", or "You look so good".  Under normal circumstances what a lovely thing to hear!  But inside when you feel like crap it seems really weird.

I also feel so badly for my sisters and my parents too.  What a crappy thing to have a sister/daughter who has cancer.  Some days are really good, some days are not.  It's like constantly living on a rollercoaster...up and down~up and down...and you can never get off!  It stinks for everyone.  I feel like a lousy wife, and a really lousy mom most days!  I feel like I'm even worse at being a friend...I'm no longer really good at reaching out to my friends.  For that I am very sorry, because I really love each of you and am so grateful for all of you!!!

Now as you know there have been some positives over the past 11 months.  Such as:
Michael is back in Minnesota!!!  I am soooo happy that he is closer and that he was home for Thanksgiving and Christmas!  Just knowing that we can see him in an hour makes me smile!  His spectacular girlfriend Jenny is back in MN too!  She is a treasure and we are loving getting to know her.  What a perfect addition to our family she is...we are so fortunate that they found each other.  Don and I are all about making memories, whether at Leech Lake, being with family, wine tastings, Carribean cruise or our next amazing adventure...a trip to Switzerland to visit Mary Lou and Ajay (thank you from the bottom of our hearts!), watching movies together...it's all about memories!
We have also decided to simplify, and we are going to be listing our house in the coming weeks.  Not an easy decision as we love our home and it holds many happy memories for us.  But we don't need this much "house" and as I said it's time to simplify. 

I can only say that in my heart right now I am hanging in there.  Somedays I am very sad, I miss my old life, I miss having energy, and I miss being cancer-free!  But I am also grateful.  Grateful for the love of my amazing family and friends, grateful for my skilled Drs. and grateful for my faith!!!  Am I afraid, well yes of course I am.  I'm not a PollyAnna.  I don't believe some great miracle will happen tomorrow or even next year.  I fear leaving those I love someday...not because I'm so wonderful...but because I want to be here for them.  I also fear becoming a burden on my Don.  He's so brave and so caring and so loving, I just don't want to be a pain.  I fear my Arimidex will stop working (which I know it will at some point) and having to change meds.  Even though Arimidex isn't perfect, I'm kind of used to the side effects now...so you hate the thought of starting anew, with something thats perhaps worse.

Well, it's late and my meds are kicking in.  11 months ...almost a year...wow!  I'll be back soon.
Blessings~Kathy xoxo 

Come Sail Away...

Today I am writing a bit differently, I don't plan to mention my cancer much at all.  This is because I have other things to share that I am so excited about.  I will do a fast update, but that's it!

Things are puttering along.  I will not complain, so many others I know have it so much worse!  I have 2 friends that have just resumed chemo, 1 who was just diagnosed stage III and one who is close to completing chemo...it can be overwhelming at times. I went to my first support group meeting in Feb.  (there is now a daytime meeting offered that I love!).  It was so good to meet other lovely women.  Only one other woman with stage IV, but that's ok, my hope is to show others that you can find a way to live as long as possible with this cruel disease.  It could be 2 years, it could be 10, no one knows.  Whatever it is I want to be positive and show others that this doesn't define me!  So there :) !

What a beautiful month Don and I have had.  For those that don't know, we just returned from a 7 day Carribean cruise: compliments of my parents.  Such a loving and generous gift!  They also included my sister Barb and her husband Tom which made it even more memorable.  The 6 of us set sail from Tampa on NCL's Dawn on Feb. 10.  We had gorgeous weather (mid to upper 80's), the ship and it's staff were so awesome, and our Ports were terrific!  We loved every second.

Our first day was spent at sea.  So Don and I decided to set the tone and have a couples massage at the spa on the ship.  What an amazing experience, just heavenly!  This was really the best full body massage I've ever had!!  We sat poolside, hit the casino, met our family for dinner, and took in a show.  I was exhausted early so I turned in by 9pm, but Don partied away with Barb & Tom (yeh for him!)

Our first port of call was Roatan, Hondoras...where we spent an amazing day at a private beach party.  A day just to play in the ocean, lay on beach chairs on sugar white sand, be served wonderful fruity cocktails and be treated to a great BBQ.  There were also several gift shops available (of course!!!) for us to peruse, so we did!  What a perfect way to relax and enjoy.  It was a 45 min ride to and from this location, so we got to see a bit of the island, which we all loved.  The homes, shops, and tropical jungles werer so beautiful...what a day!

Our next day was spent in Belize City.  Barb, Tom, Don & I all decided to shop in port and enjoy lunch together.  We learned very quickly how to bargin with the local merchants...and of course think we did really well!  Don & I bought a darling hand carved wooden manatee, and I bartered for a beautiful Prada purse (and yes got a screaming deal!)  Barb & Tom walked away with fun things too.  Lunch has become a running joke between the 4 of us!  As Tom said, perhaps we should have noticed that no one else was eating before we ordered!  But the drinks were good, and the entertainment was excellent...plus it's memorable.

On to Costa Maya, Mexico.  I have to tell you, we LOVED COSTA MAYA!  This is where we met Eddie.  Eddie was our dolphin that we got to interact with for aprox. 50 min.  I must tell you, I was a bit nervous about this excursion.  But the staff were wonderful.. Our trainer Jesse was so informative and we never felt rushed.  It was so clear that the dolphins were well cared for which made us all happy.  W were happy to touch him over and over, kiss him and he kissed us (multiple times), danced with us, and jumped up and touched our hands.  It was truely a highlight  for all of us!!!  We were able to get a cd with 90 pictures of our time with Eddie, best souvenier we bought.  We then headed to Carlos & Charlies for lunch (very good, very fun!) and did some shopping.  Costa Maya was fun, colorful, friendly and clean.  Plus Eddie stole our hearts!  After getting back to our ship I promptly took a nap while Don hit the pool deck.

Our final port of call was Cozamel, Mexico.  I had been there 23 years ago with ,my sister Kim, but would not have recognized it at all.  It had changed soooo much.  The shopping district that we first went to was awesome.  There was a long pier from our ship to land so Don hired a bike/cab (think rickshaw).  I was pretty exhausted by this point so he thought it best (he's so good to me!).  We shopped for a while and then hired a horse and carriage to tour the island.  What a joy!!!  Jose our driver/guide and Jalepeno our horse were spectacular!  It was a 45 min tour and so worth it.  We saw the really wealthy sections as well as poorer sections, several beautiful churches (he even stopped so we could go in one and take pix), saw a huge igwana,  overall it was terrific!!!

Our final day at sea was a bit rough. 12.5 ft waves, cooler temps, so we started packing, visited the casino, and had an overall great relaxing day.  I must add, that our evenings were filled with wonderful food, family time, and delightful entertainment.  We saw comedy shows by comedians from "Second City", enjoyed song and dance shows, arielists (so incredable),  excellent piano players and vocalists, and a great karaoke bar!  Don was even selected to judge karaoke  idol (he was the best!!!).

It was such a gift in so many ways.  For Don and I to have this time together, to be with my parents as well as Barb and Tom, to create such lasting memories, to feel like a noncancerous person for a week...all of this was priceless!     Everday is a blessing, and I have many.  My family and friends are my greatest blessings...Don, Michael, Jenny, Mom, Daddy, Barb, Tom, Kimmy, my entire Austreng family!, Aimee, Jack, Matty, Meggie...I love each of you with all my heart.  Thank you for your support and love!

Blessing~Kathy  xoxo









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A short follow-up...

I really want to thank each and every one of you for your messages, prayers, calls, notes etc this past week.  They have meant so much to both Don and me.  The past several weeks have been exhausting...but Monday's MRI did in fact prove that I still have a brain and it is still cancer free!  Yipee!!!!!

I choose to wait on the other MRI (for my back/ribs) until April for a variety of reasons.  Yes I'm still in pain, but my higher dose pain meds have decreased it to a tolerable level.  Also,  if the pain is from the Zometa infusion (as we suspect the severe headaches were) then it will continue to decrease...if it's not, April is 2 months away and nothing huge will occur in that short period of time!  :)
I'd like to just go on our trip and enjoy it without worrying!

Regarding my Mom (thank you all for your concern!);  she had her biopsy today.  She's such a trooper...she told me it was so much easier than she thought it was going to be.  That's Nancy isn't it?  The Dr. seemed positive about things, but we should have the results sometime next week.

Again,  thank you for all of your love and support, you can not imagine how deeply grateful we are!

Blessings~Kathy  xoxofacebook

Goodbye 2012...Hello 2013!

It's been well over a month since I've felt a blog bubbling up inside of me.  That's really how it works for me I guess, things are happening and swirling around me, and suddenly I feel the desire to write it down.  So happy new year to all...here's what's been going on in my little world.

What a wonderful Christmas it was!!!  I felt really good over the holidays.  Fatigue is a constant issue, but I am getting better at resting when needed so it wasn't too bad.  Some days I over did it (like the week that I baked Christmas cookies like a crazy woman :), but it was so much fun that I couldn't stop myself.  We were so happy to have Michael and Jenny with us on Christmas Eve...what a joy!  I make appetizers every year and the wine/cocktails flow, and we just take our time opening gifts.  Love, Love, Loved including Jenny in our traditions!  They are so much fun to have here, always so grateful for everything, just terrific and easy to entertain!  I hope they always feel at home here!  Christmas was spent with my sister Barb and her wonderful family.  It was such a perfect day.  My niece was home from CT and my nephew was home from Hamline.  The day was peaceful and full of love and Don and I were so grateful for every moment!!!!

New years Eve was spent at my brother-in-law Mike's house with his wife Jeanie.  After a great dinner we played a very competative game of Mexican Train (love that game!).  We were home early due to fatigue...but had a really good evening.

Christmas continued on January 05 when we got to celebrate with my stepson Jeff (Don's son) his wife Cheri and their 3 childrern.  Great Grandma Patty joined in the party and we had a blast!  Pizza was ordered and gifts were opened!  It was such a special day, there's nothing like having kids around to make the day extra special.  Although I was exhausted I was very sad to see the day end.  We simply love when they visit and spend time with us!

On January 08 it was back to reality as I had my first PET scan of the new year.  When you have cancer, scan days are very anxiety provoking...you just never know.

On January 10 Don and I met with Dr. H. for my scan results to be followed by my Zometa infusion.  Praise God, the scan results were really good!  No new tumors!  That is truely the best news that we could have heard to start out the new year.  We were elated.  The hormone blocker (Arimadex & the Zometa the bone strengthener) are currently doing their jobs!  Don and I headed off to the infusion department in a very good mood!!!!

Sadly the good mood didn't last long.  Two days later, I was down for the count with horrible back pain.  I spent all of Sunday january 13 in bed as well as most of the next week due to pain.  In addition to my back, the pain has settled into my hips and ribs and I developed a horrendous headache!  Knowing that there are side effects from Zometa, I took my Vicodin & Percocet like a good girl and waited for relief.  When it wasn't getting better...Don and i decided yesterday to call Dr. H.  He ordered an MRI of my brain (time to see once again if I have one...yes there's that sick stage IV humor again!).  We should have those results by Friday.  Chances are I will also be receiving an MRI on Friday on my back, ribs etc.  He also increased my pain meds...which has helped a bit today...I'm loopier than ever :).  Only kidding somewhat! It's all very frustrating!  Chronic pain is exhausting...it really makes you feel so out of control, and for those of you that know me well, I do like to be in control!  Not to mention that Don and I leave on vacation with Barb and Tom, & my parent in 2-1/2 weeks (my dream trip~a western carribean cruise~compliments of Bob/Nancy) and I'd like to feel good enough to do more than sit on deck everyday (not that that's bad...but the islands are awesome!).

So anyway, keep the good thoughts coming our way if you would!  I'd also like to mention a continued prayer request for two special people; for Fred the father of my dear friend Curt.  He's been going through some major health difficulties and needs lots of prayer warriors. And for my dear Mom, she has a cyst on her liver that is being biopsied tomorrow.  they're 99% sure it's non-cancerous but it's still of great concern. She too needs our prayers!!!

Blessings!  Kathy xoxofacebook