On Thursday Oct. 18 Don and I made the 3 hour drive south to Rochester. I had an early call at the Mayo...645am to be exact so we decided to spend Thursday night versus driving down Friday. After arriving around 7pm at the Kahler Grand we had a nice dinner at the hotel and got to bed early. Both of us were tired, and all though it was a restless night at least we could pretend to sleep! :)
The next morning we took the "subway" or tunnel system over to the Gonda Building and checked in. My first impression was how how beautiful it was, and how kind everyone was! When we got to Oncology they had a folder for us with a detailed schedule of everything we'd be doing that day, as well as a map of the campus. It also contained information about the clinc and the Dr. we'd be meeting. We were extremely impressed. Then off we went. Blood tests, xray, more blood tests, and then a one hour appointment with the oncologist. She was really wonderful and made me feel like I was her only patient. A PET scan was ordered and off we went for that. At the end of the day the news was very good! NO NEW TUMORS!!! The two tumors I have are still active but have not metastized further...yee ha. The constant pain that I have been having is from my current tumors as well as from a cracked rib, a side effect of the radiation. It is also probably from stress. Therefore, I need to start managing my pain better with the pain meds that my Drs have prescribed! I am doing so and it is really helping. Imagine that :)! The most reassuring part was that this Dr. would not have done anything different than Dr. H my Oncologist in St. Cloud! That made me soooo happy and made me feel so secure! Although I felt sure all along it was just great to hear!
So now we're home, feeling sassy if not a bit groggy from meds. But that too will pass! Thank you all for your beautiful comments and loving prayers....they mean so much! I'll keep you posted.
Blessings, Kathy
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
There are blessings everywhere...somedays you just have to look harder!
Please don't get me wrong...CANCER SUCKS!!! I will be the first one to tell you that. i do not wear rose colored glasses, nor am I a polly-anna! My life has changed dramatically in the past 6-plus months. Some things have been amazing, others not so much. Because I want to, and because this is my blog and I can, I'm going to go through the 'not so wonderful things' first. Sorry if that bums anyone out...but here goes:
Six months ago I had a career as a wine and spirits sales rep. I traveled throughout central and northern MN. I sold beautiful wines and wonderful spirits and had a basement FULL of samples. I had the worlds BEST customers and co-workers that are friends that I miss dearly. Our company closed in March...which was no fault of the employees and not something I'll get into here. I had just started applying for positions with other companies, and things were looking pretty darn good when I got my diagnosis. At first I thought that I'd still be able to go back to work, after all I'd worked four and a half years ago when I'd had cancer right? However, my Drs assured me that this was different and that between the pain, fatique and treatments going back to work wasn't in the cards. Hmmm...whats a gal to do? 53 years old, don't look ill, some days feel good, some days not, so I contacted an attorney who specalizes in disability. Totally humbling experience to say the least! She was kind, respectful, effecient, wonderful and got it all done perfectly! I now consider myself retired. I miss my career everyday...but am greatful as well.
I miss having the energy that I used to have. i hate that I get tired so damned easily! It's really frustrating...especially because I look healthy, so I feel like I should be like I used to be. Ironic thing is I've had cancer for over a year and for 6 months of that time we didn't know it. So it's been a long time since I've really felt healthy. Some days , since I've finished radiation, my pain level is tolerable. That is so wonderful! It's like a miracle really! Will I ever be pain free...no...but on a scale of 1-10 if it's around a 4-5, that's totally awesome! It's all in how you look at it isn't it? :)
It sucks to look at your friends and loved ones and see sorrow and pity. I don't know how to make them feel better. I don't know how to reassure them, because I don't have the anwsers. People keep telling me that I'm so strong and brave. Baloney (I'm trying to keep it clean!)...I do not see myself that way at all! I would love to not be a cancer patient, I want to live until 100, my biggest wish is to see Michael get married and to meet my grandchild (ren). Sometimes I deeply fear the future...I have had friends with terminal cancer and seen first hand what it does. But, I cannot and WILL NOT dwell on that. Strong, no I don't think I am...but I am a survivalist and I am a care-taker, and perhaps thats a really good combination to be!
Now for some real blessings:
As much as I miss my career, I am enjoying my time at home. I have reconnected with old friends, which has been a huge blessing. I am home every night with my wonderful husband Don. We did some very memorable things over the summer, and we did alot of nothing. Either way we love being together and treasure each and every moment!!!! My beautiful son Michael moved back to Mpls in May as did his lovely girlfriend Jenny. We are now able to see them on a regular basis and I could not be happier! Every time I see them is such a gift! My sister Barb is such a gigantic part of my life. She has come to appointments with me, she and Tom do fun things with Don and me and she is a best friend to me. She was instrumental in getting me to go to Mayo this week. We have always been close...but through all of this we have grown closer than we ever imagined! My sister Kim and I have also taken our relationship to a higher level. We speak almost daily by phone (she lives in Florida). She is participating in her first 1 mile Breast Cancer Walk this month (in my name, God Bless her). She is my sounding board as well, I can cry with her, laugh with her, be morbid or say nothing, and she gets it. Sisters are like no other! Because I am "retired" I was able to spend extra time with my parents this summer. That in itself is a blessing.
I am greatful right now for every minute, every hour, and every day! God Bless, Kathy XO
Six months ago I had a career as a wine and spirits sales rep. I traveled throughout central and northern MN. I sold beautiful wines and wonderful spirits and had a basement FULL of samples. I had the worlds BEST customers and co-workers that are friends that I miss dearly. Our company closed in March...which was no fault of the employees and not something I'll get into here. I had just started applying for positions with other companies, and things were looking pretty darn good when I got my diagnosis. At first I thought that I'd still be able to go back to work, after all I'd worked four and a half years ago when I'd had cancer right? However, my Drs assured me that this was different and that between the pain, fatique and treatments going back to work wasn't in the cards. Hmmm...whats a gal to do? 53 years old, don't look ill, some days feel good, some days not, so I contacted an attorney who specalizes in disability. Totally humbling experience to say the least! She was kind, respectful, effecient, wonderful and got it all done perfectly! I now consider myself retired. I miss my career everyday...but am greatful as well.
I miss having the energy that I used to have. i hate that I get tired so damned easily! It's really frustrating...especially because I look healthy, so I feel like I should be like I used to be. Ironic thing is I've had cancer for over a year and for 6 months of that time we didn't know it. So it's been a long time since I've really felt healthy. Some days , since I've finished radiation, my pain level is tolerable. That is so wonderful! It's like a miracle really! Will I ever be pain free...no...but on a scale of 1-10 if it's around a 4-5, that's totally awesome! It's all in how you look at it isn't it? :)
It sucks to look at your friends and loved ones and see sorrow and pity. I don't know how to make them feel better. I don't know how to reassure them, because I don't have the anwsers. People keep telling me that I'm so strong and brave. Baloney (I'm trying to keep it clean!)...I do not see myself that way at all! I would love to not be a cancer patient, I want to live until 100, my biggest wish is to see Michael get married and to meet my grandchild (ren). Sometimes I deeply fear the future...I have had friends with terminal cancer and seen first hand what it does. But, I cannot and WILL NOT dwell on that. Strong, no I don't think I am...but I am a survivalist and I am a care-taker, and perhaps thats a really good combination to be!
Now for some real blessings:
As much as I miss my career, I am enjoying my time at home. I have reconnected with old friends, which has been a huge blessing. I am home every night with my wonderful husband Don. We did some very memorable things over the summer, and we did alot of nothing. Either way we love being together and treasure each and every moment!!!! My beautiful son Michael moved back to Mpls in May as did his lovely girlfriend Jenny. We are now able to see them on a regular basis and I could not be happier! Every time I see them is such a gift! My sister Barb is such a gigantic part of my life. She has come to appointments with me, she and Tom do fun things with Don and me and she is a best friend to me. She was instrumental in getting me to go to Mayo this week. We have always been close...but through all of this we have grown closer than we ever imagined! My sister Kim and I have also taken our relationship to a higher level. We speak almost daily by phone (she lives in Florida). She is participating in her first 1 mile Breast Cancer Walk this month (in my name, God Bless her). She is my sounding board as well, I can cry with her, laugh with her, be morbid or say nothing, and she gets it. Sisters are like no other! Because I am "retired" I was able to spend extra time with my parents this summer. That in itself is a blessing.
I am greatful right now for every minute, every hour, and every day! God Bless, Kathy XO
Sunday, October 14, 2012
My Birthday Girls...
For many years I sang with an amazing choir through First presbyterian Church in St. Cloud. It was an out reach ministry choir that gave two large productions per years: Christmas and Easter. I made wonderful friends in the group...something you're prone to do when you're together for 13 years! But there are three women who have become like sisters over the past 13 years. We are all the same age, and celebrate all of our birthdays together (since we turned 40), and sooo much more! There's been divorce, graduations, grandchildren, heartache, weddings, celebrations, funerals, and now cancer!
In April while celebrating Julie's special day, Leanne brought up that she wanted to have a benefit/fundraiser in my honor. I was still in shock from my diagnosis and didn't think we should, but you have to know my Lee! No isn't in her vocabulary! She knew that summer would be too busy and thought perhaps late August would work best (it was later slated for Sept.15). She wanted it to include a meal and a silent auction, location tbd. She would contact my sister Barb and my sister-in-law Jeanie and get the ball rolling. Julie and Tami (my other birthday angel) would both be key in getting things done.
As I started my radiation, rested when possible and started a new chapter in my life, Lee, Barb and Jeanie were hard at work. My dear friend Rudy (Tom Ruether) gratiously offered his bar and restaurant...The Pearl Lake Lodge for the event, and also suggested a motorcycle ride to kick off the day. My folks and many friends in the Walker area started donating auction items as did friends from all over our area. Invitations were printed and sent by the hundreds and Barb and Leanne were receiving more calls and emails than they ever imagined possible. Don and I were in total awe of the responses we were getting, the outpouring of love and compassion and the prayers being sent our way. It was and is so humbling...it's very hard for us to wrap our heads around!
September 15 arrived...a beautiful sunny day! 85 degrees with a slight breeze, God was smiling on us for sure. The day began with 29 gleaming Harley Davidsons taking off for a 60 mile ride. Thank you to my brother-in-law Mike for leading the way. Rudy and his team had been making homeade spaghetti and meatballs for several days to feed our hungry guests and the whole place had been decorated with pink balloons and crepe paper. There were over 100 auction items...resort getaways, cases of wine, an electric piano, purses, wine baskets, Twins tickets, Vikes tickets and so much more. I was overwhelmed!!! Just as I was taking it all in, in walked someone that knocked me to my knees...my best friend from high school. Bobbi Mattson McLaird. I had had no idea that she was coming and there she was. Such a special surprise, it had been 35 years since we'd seen one another. And the surprises kept coming...friends from years past, friends from miles away (our life-long friends the Bakers drove 6.5 hours ONE WAY) and close friends and new friends and relatives...and on and on...it was just shocking and humbling! Over 300 people came to share this special day with us! As people kept saying "it was a room full of love" and it really was! Don and I have never been so greatful in our lives. It was an amazing day and we are so very thankful to be surrounded by so many wonderful people in our lives. Thank you to each and every one of you that is on this journey with us. It really helps knowing that we have all of your support! Blessings...Kathy
In April while celebrating Julie's special day, Leanne brought up that she wanted to have a benefit/fundraiser in my honor. I was still in shock from my diagnosis and didn't think we should, but you have to know my Lee! No isn't in her vocabulary! She knew that summer would be too busy and thought perhaps late August would work best (it was later slated for Sept.15). She wanted it to include a meal and a silent auction, location tbd. She would contact my sister Barb and my sister-in-law Jeanie and get the ball rolling. Julie and Tami (my other birthday angel) would both be key in getting things done.
As I started my radiation, rested when possible and started a new chapter in my life, Lee, Barb and Jeanie were hard at work. My dear friend Rudy (Tom Ruether) gratiously offered his bar and restaurant...The Pearl Lake Lodge for the event, and also suggested a motorcycle ride to kick off the day. My folks and many friends in the Walker area started donating auction items as did friends from all over our area. Invitations were printed and sent by the hundreds and Barb and Leanne were receiving more calls and emails than they ever imagined possible. Don and I were in total awe of the responses we were getting, the outpouring of love and compassion and the prayers being sent our way. It was and is so humbling...it's very hard for us to wrap our heads around!
September 15 arrived...a beautiful sunny day! 85 degrees with a slight breeze, God was smiling on us for sure. The day began with 29 gleaming Harley Davidsons taking off for a 60 mile ride. Thank you to my brother-in-law Mike for leading the way. Rudy and his team had been making homeade spaghetti and meatballs for several days to feed our hungry guests and the whole place had been decorated with pink balloons and crepe paper. There were over 100 auction items...resort getaways, cases of wine, an electric piano, purses, wine baskets, Twins tickets, Vikes tickets and so much more. I was overwhelmed!!! Just as I was taking it all in, in walked someone that knocked me to my knees...my best friend from high school. Bobbi Mattson McLaird. I had had no idea that she was coming and there she was. Such a special surprise, it had been 35 years since we'd seen one another. And the surprises kept coming...friends from years past, friends from miles away (our life-long friends the Bakers drove 6.5 hours ONE WAY) and close friends and new friends and relatives...and on and on...it was just shocking and humbling! Over 300 people came to share this special day with us! As people kept saying "it was a room full of love" and it really was! Don and I have never been so greatful in our lives. It was an amazing day and we are so very thankful to be surrounded by so many wonderful people in our lives. Thank you to each and every one of you that is on this journey with us. It really helps knowing that we have all of your support! Blessings...Kathy
Friday, October 12, 2012
Crushing News!
I have never been much of a writer! I've always left that up to my sisters and my husband. They are very gifted when it comes to writing, but perhaps it's never to late to try! Events have occurred in my life recently that have made me decide to try my hand at it, and if no one else but me ever reads this blog, well that's ok. For me it will be cathartic i think...or I may start it and not write often. We'll see how it goes.
It's been 6 months since i was told that my cancer has returned. Six months since I was told that it has spread to my bones. Six months since I was told that the pain that I'd been experiencing for 6 months prior to that (so over a year now) was that damn cancer spreading and growing and invading. And the entire time as I was having exrays and scans, seeing chiropractors, and PT's, not one person believed me when I asked if it could be cancer. Am I bitter...no. Angry...no. But there is a lesson here, if you don't believe what someone is telling you...or if you are still in major pain, keep going back to the Drs. They are busy. Our health care providers are overloaded and its only going to get worse. You must stand up for yourself!!! ok, thats my soapbox speech for today.
You see in 2008 I had stage I breast cancer. Scarey, but cureable, right? 10-18% chance of reaccurance. Non-the-less my husband and I chose a fairly aggressive treatment. After the lumpectomy, I went through 4 grueling rounds of chemo (which my Oncologist at the time, tried to talk me out of...but again, I didn't want this crap back!) Then endured 8 weeks of radiation...everyday. When it was all over I took hormones to keep the cancer from returning, waited for my hair to grow back, and felt blessed and lucky to have gotten off so easily. Life went on and after a few years there were weeks that would go by that I could completely forget that i'd even had cancer! What a miracle!!!
Then April 2012 came...and our worlds came to a screeching halt! i had had an MRI on a Monday, on wednesday saw Dr. T, I knew the moment she entered the room that it was bad. I've known her for years, and that day there were no jokes, just an immediate "Kathy I'm sorry it's not good..." After taking some time to gather my thoughts and talk about what would happen next, I stumbled to my car. I vaguely recall calling my sister Barb, and then my husband Don. Don asked how my appointment went and all I could say was "Bad!" I told him that I was heading to his office and to wait for me. Don was waiting in the parking lot and knew immediately. We left my car there and drove home together...in tears. It was a dark and scarey ride home, made worse because we knew so little at that point.
That night I called my son Michael. He was living in Chicago at that point and is 24 years old. It broke my heart to tell him over the phone! All I wanted was to wrap my arms around him and to reassure him, and there he was all alone. That was really the hardest thing of all. He was amazing! He had wonderful questions, and was so loving, he's so awesome. He's back in Minneapolis now and I'm so greatful!!!
By the next week I was back at The Coborn's Cancer Center meeting with my new oncologist and seeing way to many familiar faces. Tests were scheduled, as were a multitude of appointments, and suddenly once again i was a cancer patient. Only this time something seemed different. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but everybody was different...maybe because I was a "repeat customer". And then I found out why...several days later I received a call from the breast cancer advacate...I'll just call her the Cancer Angel. Dr. H my oncologist had asked her to call and answer any questions and go thru some things with me. My one question was, "What stage is my cancer"? Expecting 1 or 2, I cannot explain my reaction when she softly said stage 4. My husband Don assures me that Dr. H. had told us that...but I honestly don't recall it. So much is fuzzy from those first few weeks. As we all know, NO ONE wants to hear stage 4....the numbers go no higher. This isn't one of those things where the higher the number the better after all!!! It took a bit for that to sink in, and I believe that I spent the rest of the day crying! but crying gets you no where so I decided then and there to do everything that I can to fight.
Two weeks later radiation began. For those not familiar with this process, once the prep is done ( set up, exams, meeting with your radiation oncologist and team) the process goes pretty quickly. Mine was set up for 4 weeks...everyday...but one you're there it takes about 10-15 minutes. The staff in that department are incredibly wonderful! I remembered many of them from the last time I was there, and they remembered me too! The TLC that they extend their patients is second to none, I am so thankful. I had the radiation to decrease the pain that I'm in. At this stage my cancer will never be gone, I need to learn to live with it (oh, really) but we need to work to keep it from spreading and growing. So I am also on hormone drugs, rather a crazy concept right? At this time no chemo. A person can only have so much chemo, so we want to keep that for further down the road.
It feels odd not to fight this with all guns drawn. That's so my style...this way seems so reactive vs proactive. It's very difficult and frustrating. It's also very hard to keep explaining it to people when I don't truly understand it myself, yet feel that I have to defend it! Because if I don't then I feel like I'm giving up...God I hope that makes sense.
well...I sure have rambled. Hopefully my next entry won't be so lengthy! Blessings, Kathy
It's been 6 months since i was told that my cancer has returned. Six months since I was told that it has spread to my bones. Six months since I was told that the pain that I'd been experiencing for 6 months prior to that (so over a year now) was that damn cancer spreading and growing and invading. And the entire time as I was having exrays and scans, seeing chiropractors, and PT's, not one person believed me when I asked if it could be cancer. Am I bitter...no. Angry...no. But there is a lesson here, if you don't believe what someone is telling you...or if you are still in major pain, keep going back to the Drs. They are busy. Our health care providers are overloaded and its only going to get worse. You must stand up for yourself!!! ok, thats my soapbox speech for today.
You see in 2008 I had stage I breast cancer. Scarey, but cureable, right? 10-18% chance of reaccurance. Non-the-less my husband and I chose a fairly aggressive treatment. After the lumpectomy, I went through 4 grueling rounds of chemo (which my Oncologist at the time, tried to talk me out of...but again, I didn't want this crap back!) Then endured 8 weeks of radiation...everyday. When it was all over I took hormones to keep the cancer from returning, waited for my hair to grow back, and felt blessed and lucky to have gotten off so easily. Life went on and after a few years there were weeks that would go by that I could completely forget that i'd even had cancer! What a miracle!!!
Then April 2012 came...and our worlds came to a screeching halt! i had had an MRI on a Monday, on wednesday saw Dr. T, I knew the moment she entered the room that it was bad. I've known her for years, and that day there were no jokes, just an immediate "Kathy I'm sorry it's not good..." After taking some time to gather my thoughts and talk about what would happen next, I stumbled to my car. I vaguely recall calling my sister Barb, and then my husband Don. Don asked how my appointment went and all I could say was "Bad!" I told him that I was heading to his office and to wait for me. Don was waiting in the parking lot and knew immediately. We left my car there and drove home together...in tears. It was a dark and scarey ride home, made worse because we knew so little at that point.
That night I called my son Michael. He was living in Chicago at that point and is 24 years old. It broke my heart to tell him over the phone! All I wanted was to wrap my arms around him and to reassure him, and there he was all alone. That was really the hardest thing of all. He was amazing! He had wonderful questions, and was so loving, he's so awesome. He's back in Minneapolis now and I'm so greatful!!!
By the next week I was back at The Coborn's Cancer Center meeting with my new oncologist and seeing way to many familiar faces. Tests were scheduled, as were a multitude of appointments, and suddenly once again i was a cancer patient. Only this time something seemed different. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but everybody was different...maybe because I was a "repeat customer". And then I found out why...several days later I received a call from the breast cancer advacate...I'll just call her the Cancer Angel. Dr. H my oncologist had asked her to call and answer any questions and go thru some things with me. My one question was, "What stage is my cancer"? Expecting 1 or 2, I cannot explain my reaction when she softly said stage 4. My husband Don assures me that Dr. H. had told us that...but I honestly don't recall it. So much is fuzzy from those first few weeks. As we all know, NO ONE wants to hear stage 4....the numbers go no higher. This isn't one of those things where the higher the number the better after all!!! It took a bit for that to sink in, and I believe that I spent the rest of the day crying! but crying gets you no where so I decided then and there to do everything that I can to fight.
Two weeks later radiation began. For those not familiar with this process, once the prep is done ( set up, exams, meeting with your radiation oncologist and team) the process goes pretty quickly. Mine was set up for 4 weeks...everyday...but one you're there it takes about 10-15 minutes. The staff in that department are incredibly wonderful! I remembered many of them from the last time I was there, and they remembered me too! The TLC that they extend their patients is second to none, I am so thankful. I had the radiation to decrease the pain that I'm in. At this stage my cancer will never be gone, I need to learn to live with it (oh, really) but we need to work to keep it from spreading and growing. So I am also on hormone drugs, rather a crazy concept right? At this time no chemo. A person can only have so much chemo, so we want to keep that for further down the road.
It feels odd not to fight this with all guns drawn. That's so my style...this way seems so reactive vs proactive. It's very difficult and frustrating. It's also very hard to keep explaining it to people when I don't truly understand it myself, yet feel that I have to defend it! Because if I don't then I feel like I'm giving up...God I hope that makes sense.
well...I sure have rambled. Hopefully my next entry won't be so lengthy! Blessings, Kathy
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