From the other side (A guest blog)

Hello. This is Kathy’s husband, Don. I hope none of you are offended by reading comments from a “guest blogger” but the spirit has moved me and my wonderful wife has given me permission. So here goes…

Today Kathy, our dog, Piper and I were returning from another wonderful Memorial Day weekend at the Maroney’s Leech Lake residence. I was listening to the radio while both of my passengers were taking a much-needed nap. The station of choice was playing “Oldies” (I put that word in parenthesis because the songs were actually hits during our youth and I don’t consider us “old”). Terry Jacks came on the radio and sang “Seasons in the Sun”. You know, the one where he sings, …”We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun. But the wine and the song like the seasons have all gone…” I looked over at my sleeping wife and tears filled my eyes as I thought of those words. Kathy so loves the season of spring when the trees and grass turn green, the flowers start to grow, the hummingbirds return to our feeder – but most of all her mom and dad return to Minnesota after spending the long, long 7 months of “winter” in Florida. It means so much for us to be able to spend weekends with her family at the lake. It’s a place where Kathy can hug her mom and dad in person instead of on the phone. And it’s a place from where nothing but good memories have originated.

As I was listening to Terry Jacks I tried not to let myself acknowledge the lyrics “Good-bye Papa it’s hard to die. When all the birds are singing in the sky…”

I guess my internal defense mechanism is to not acknowledge Kathy’s cancer and to embrace each day as it comes. I don’t want it to be a reason to say the word “die” or “death”.

On the outside I might seem strong – but on the inside I’m scared - scared of Kathy’s battle, scared by her pain, scared of the knowledge that there’s nothing I can do to help her, but most of all scared of her leaving us.

I find it difficult to talk about Kathy’s cancer. It seems to be one of those topics that make “normal” conversation difficult. I don’t like it when people come up to me and ask about Kathy’s cancer. After-all, how does one answer the question, “How is Kathy doing?” Am I supposed to answer, “Oh she’s doing just great”? Or, “Kathy’s doing wonderfully, how about yourself”? Or do I answer truthfully and say, “Kathy is suffering from the effects of terminal cancer and life is a daily struggle. She takes pain medication that is meant to alleviate the discomfort but the medicine makes her mind foggy and she seems to be more forgetful than in the past. Kathy has bad days and not-so-bad days, today is a typical day that falls somewhere in between.”

I know people mean well when they ask that question. But I wonder if they realize that there really isn’t an answer.

I have a friend whose wife has Stage 3 Breast Cancer. His wife has become a “Cancer Buddy” of Kathy’s. When my friend and I see each other we naturally ask each other how our wives are doing… But more importantly we ask each other how we are doing. I will never play the victim – because I’m not one, and neither is my friend, but we both agree that neither of us want our wives’ cancer to define who we are… And yet, in a way it does. As “Cancer Husbands” we each understand that we too have to deal with the reality of the disease. We understand that the disease plays a huge role in our lives as well as our wives’ lives. There is a brotherhood-like understanding that we need the support and encouragement of each other’s friendship now for more reasons than we had in the past. It’s a sad reality. But cancer in itself is a sad reality.

I don’t mean to be a “Donnie-downer.” It probably means so much more for all of you to read Kathy’s blog and appreciate her courage and inspiration-evoking words than to hear these depressing thoughts from her other half. But I just had to take this opportunity to inject into this conversation some of my observations, as sad and disappointing as they may seem.

On a lighter note I want all of you to know that I am here for Kathy. I’ll do whatever she needs me to do to help her in her battle. I’ll be her loving husband and provide for her in any way I possibly can. That’s the easy part – and I take pleasure in it because Kathy is deserving of everything I can give to her.

We don’t take anything for granted. All of the big joys as well as the little ones mean so much more to us. We treasure every day. And we treasure each and every one of you.

God bless you all. And when you say, “We are praying for you” please be serious and do so. I think God hears our prayers and with His help we will all get through this.

We will keep on celebrating life - because to us – “The wine, the song, and the seasons keep going on.”

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Sorry it's been so long!

I have so many thoughts runny through my head today, so I'll pick the one that's bothering me the most at the moment and share the rest over the course of the next week.

Angelina Jolie.  She seems to be the topic on everyone's mind these days.  Such a hero, so amazing she is for having the BRCA1 gene test done & then having a preventative double mastectomy.  As if she is the first ever to achieve this.  I'm sorry if I sound snarky.  I know that it was a difficult decision for Angie, & I really do applaud her courage.  But I feel the need to tell you about another courageous woman that's a little less well known.

32 years ago another woman had a preventative double mastectomy.  There was no fanfare, in fact her friends tried to discourage her!  After all she had only had non-cancerous lumps, why do something so radical?  But with total support and encouragement from her loving husband and a visionary for a Dr. She moved forward.  The was no genetic testing either...just a gut feeling and courage.  That woman was my Mother, today she is 81 years old and I think SHE is heroic ( as is my Dad) .  What a really brave thing for her to do back then, when women didn't make those decisions.

The second part of Ms. Jolie's story that makes my uneasy is the BRCA1 test.  When I wast diagnosed stage IV both of my sisters questioned their drs about this test.  They were told that it isn't covered by insurance and they could pay for it on their own.  Sadly the cost is unrealistic ! However with Angie's fame & fortune that isn't going to be an issue.  Now I beg of you...lets not get into a political debate here, that's not my intent.  Although I do not believe in socialized medicine due to the fact that I have several Canadian friends & I have learned a great deal from them.  As a late stage cancer patient it is a bad deal.  I know our system isn't perfect but I'm not writing to discuss that right now :).

Speaking of Mom & Dad, they have returned to MN for the summer.  Their northern family is thrilled to have them here!  I was supposed to join them at the annual Walker Rotary Wine event last night, but sadly wasn't feeling up to it.  The reality of cancer, you can't lays follow through with your plans like you want!

As I said, I have a backlog of thoughts so expect to hear more in the coming weeks.

Blessings & love, Kathy xoxo